Don’t Mess With Lysol

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“I’ve been kissed by a dog! Get some iodine! Get some hot water! Get some disinfectant!” Lucy van Pelt

I spray Lysol on everything. It’s the Windex of all germ killers. I buy it by the case. It’s good for everything. It kills everything, every kind of flu, strep, everything. I spray it on my doorknobs, handles, couches, pillows, blankets, my bed.

Everything.

It soaks in, dries, and afterwards everything smells really good. I like the freshwater scent best.

I have even sprayed Lysol by accident into my water and drunk it. It just happened, not that I meant to, but when it did, I thought, all right, it will kill all the germs from the inside out.

When Jimmy was staying at out house and caught the flu, I sprayed him.

We were in Mexico, Kristen was watching our dogs, but she got sick, got the vommies. Jimmy needed somewhere to stay, so he took over from her. I told him to spray the house down.

“Julie, catching the flu is for weak people,” he said.

Only weak people get the flu? He’s so big and strong? Of course, he got the flu right away. Which is why I had no problem spraying him.

When we got home from Mexico two days later I told him I was going to have to spray him and the couch he was lounging on with Lysol. He didn’t like it, but he gave in.

“Close your mouth and eyes,” I told him. It kills 99 per cent of germs. The ones that survive go back and tell their germ friends, don’t mess with Lysol!

“I swear your dog tried to hop me,” said Jimmy.

“Don’t talk about my dog like that. Which one?”

“Veruka, she hopped me, held me down, I swear she was trying…”

He told me about it while he was lying on the sofa with Fat Pebbles. They are girlfriend and boyfriend. My house is crazy. We have six dogs ever since we got Hermy. You have to be a little crazy to hang out at our house.

“I was upstairs sleeping when Veruka jumped me,” he said. “I was corralling her down to the kitchen, to the basement where their couch is, when out comes your husband, butt-naked.”

“I warned you, if you are going to stay here, Brian hardly ever wears clothes.”

“My God, I thought I was going to go blind.”

Jimmy and I have been friends since 5th grade. We dated a little in the 7th and 8th grades, but he and I are both too controlling to be a couple. He’s controlling, I’m controlling, but we stayed friends. He’s been my best friend ever since then.

We text each other every day all day, forty times a day. If Brian and I are out to dinner, and he says something, I will call or text Jimmy.

“Guess what Brian just said!” That’s the kind of friendship we have.

We ran into Jimmy a couple of years after getting married. He was surprised.

“What are you two doing together?” he asked.

Brian and I are not your typical couple. I was a good girl in high school, Brian was a drug supplier, and Jimmy was one of his drug users.

“I married her,” said Brian.

“You stole my girl,” said Jimmy.

“Oh, God,” I said.

We laughed about it and since then we’ve been back to being friends. We call Jimmy husband #2.

Jimmy’s dad was once a bigwig cop in Cleveland. He used to sit outside Brian’s dad’s house in Little Italy in an unmarked car. The house was bugged. His dad’s job was to listen in. Sometimes he would hear Brian and Jimmy hanging out together. They were both on a bad path.

Jimmy is in and out of our lives. He has a bad temper. He gets mad at you, cuts you out for a couple of years, but then comes back. Jimmy came back into our lives after a two-year stint of being gone. Something happened and he disappeared.

After Kristen got sick and Jimmy took over, if he hadn’t been able to stay at our house he wouldn’t have had a place to stay. He’s in recovery, like Brian, but unlike Brian he had a slip-up and fell off the wagon. He got back on with our help.

Jimmy works with heavy machinery and he’s going to start taking crane classes as soon as he’s over being down and out with the flu, which he caught even though he’s not a weak person, so he says.

I made the mistake of getting Brian a hand bell when he was sick. That will never happen again. He completely abused the bell. Most guys are like that.

After the bell got lost and we couldn’t find it, Brian started called me Sharon. Sharon is Ozzie Osborne’s wife. She can never find anything in their house. My nickname became Sharon.

When Jimmy was feeling better he and Brian went to Malley’s and bought me a box of Bordeaux Chocolate.

Malley’s is an ice cream candy chocolate store. There are 22 of them. We go the original one in Lakewood, which opened in 1935. The Malley family lived in the back of the building back in the day.

When they got back to our house Jimmy left the box of chocolate on the kitchen counter. He didn’t know that dogs can and will eat anything if you let them. I’ve had dogs that would eat green peppers. Veruka, our Leonberger, will eat fruits and vegetables.

When Jimmy and Brian came upstairs Veruka came up from the basement. She busted through the baby gate in the kitchen doorway. Her plan was to come upstairs and accost us. The box of chocolate stopped her in her tracks.

I know she knew the chocolate wasn’t for her. But, Veruka is the kind of dog who doesn’t care, just doesn’t care. She ate my whole box of Bordeaux Chocolate on her way upstairs. Her dog mouth dog lips dog tongue were all chocolaty.

She was licking it off her face. There was no need for Lysol.

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