Where Did the Rest of Me Go?

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“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.” Phil Pastoret

I went on birth control when I was in my late 20s. I had to be on some kind of birth control because of my polycystic ovary syndrome. As soon as I went on Norplant I broke out in bad acne. It was horrible.

“Get those out of your arm,” my mom kept telling me.

After that, I put on 85 pounds and it would not go away. I went on every diet known to man. I would lose some weight, get down to a certain number, and then just stop, or get it all back. It frustrated me, and pissed me off, too.

“I’m going to do gastric bypass,” I told Brian.

“Oh, no, don’t, I love you,” he said.

Brian is a good guy. He comes to the beauty salon every day. There isn’t a day that he doesn’t stop in. He gets mocked for it sometimes, but he can take it.

“I’m going to do it,” I told him.

I went to St. Vincent’s Hospital when I was forty-two years old.

“I highly recommend the full gastric,” my doctor said.

“I’ll do whatever you recommend,” I said, although I asked him about the band.

“If you do the band I go in and put the band in your stomach, but you don’t start losing weight right away. First you have to wait six months for it to heal, and then I’ve got to tighten it, and…”

“Screw that,” I said. “Let’s do the one where I start losing right away. I don’t want to wait.”

I dropped 85 pounds, which was exactly what I had put on.

One day I went in to my chiropractor for an adjustment. His jaw dropped.

“Where did the rest of you go?”

It was right after I lost all my weight, although it was more about me getting rid of it. I have no intention of finding it again.

“I know, I know, it’s great,” I said.

“There’s nothing left of you.”

I had always been a small person before my implant.

Most of the women in my Bible study group have eating disorders and weight issues. I know what it’s like. I was anorexic in high school.

My brother Brad’s wife is 38-years-old. She’s a double zero and she’s lost all her teeth because she’d made herself throw up so many times. All her teeth corroded, just eroded out, and she’s lost her esophagus. So, that’s gone.

Then she had to get a double mastectomy because she found out she has the x marker.

She’s teeny-weeny, but her mother is heavy, and her sister is almost five hundred pounds. Her sister’s husband used to be normal, but he’s put on a lot of weight since they’ve been together, too.

She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, but she stinks. She stinks to high heaven. How do you bathe when you’re 500 pounds? She’s the sweetest person, but she knows.

I want to have a hysterectomy because my ovaries are so bad. My female parts are diseased and horrible, but they won’t do it.

“You should keep all your parts, like you keep your teeth,” my doctor always says.

“Why would you want me to keep them?” I asked her. “You pull out rotten teeth don’t you?”

But, my doctor said she wouldn’t do it. She gave me three options.

“You can go back on the pill.”

“I’m 49 years old,” I said. “No.”

“We could try an ablation.”

“I’m not doing that. I probably have cystic ovarian disease. And I have anemic cyanosis. It’s only the inside of the uterus. I’m not doing that.”

“All right, we can do an implant again.”

“Fuck that,” I told her. “I’m never doing that again, gain all that weight, so forget it.”

The diet I follow is the blood type diet. It’s the eat right for your type diet.

Anybody can get any disease, any ailment, and any affliction. But, there are some blood types that get some more than others. More of the O’s, like me, are going to get more blood clotting, rheumatoid arthritis, and have more sinus issues. A’s have heart issues, high cholesterol, heart disease, and all the things that go with that.

My chiropractor told me about the blood type diet.

“If you’re willing to do the gastric, are you willing to go a step farther?” he asked me.

“I can try anything for a month,” I said.

After a few weeks I started to feel good. After two months I noticed I hadn’t had a sinus infection for two months, so I kept going.

My husband is on the diet, too. He follows his blood type diet, which is awful since he has to be a vegetarian. He hates it, but on weekends he completely splurges, and eats whatever he wants.

Ever since I started following it I hardly ever get sinus infections anymore. I used to get them all the time. In the last seven years, since I’ve been on the blood type diet, I’ve had a sinus infection exactly seven times. There’s something to it, although my husband’s aunt, who is our doctor, doesn’t believe in it.

“It’s funny,” I told her, “how I used to see you all the time, but now I never see you.”

She just shrugged.

Brian has to be a vegetarian, but I love my meat. I’m a Christian and I believe animals are here for me to eat. I’m not about vegetarianism. At the same time I think there’s so much in our food we don’t know about, like preservatives and chemicals. Why do they have to torture animals before killing them? They inject them with drugs and rip their feathers out while they’re still alive.

Treat them humanely, at least!

Last Christmas we were all out for a party, driving around in a limo, all lit up like Christmas trees. We were hammered. When we got to our restaurant Cheryl’s husband went right to the bathroom and threw up.

Brian had ordered veal, since it was the weekend, and since I had never had veal, I wanted to try it, so I did. I stuck a piece in my mouth, but I have a thing with texture. It was just not steak texture. I didn’t like it. Brian must have seen the look on my face, because when I spit it out, he picked it up and popped it into his mouth.

Everybody at the table laughed, but that’s love.

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